At long last...

It’s our last night in St. Petersburg… and I should probably just stop writing here.

My heart is barely a few blocks away right now, and I can feel that hole that has been filled for the week, quickly draining again.  This week has been like an little adventure with interruptions from a fairy tale.

Here is a small taste of our first day together again!

Our first stop in St. Petersburg was to The State Adoption Center so that we could receive our official referral.  A referral allows you to visit a child and decide if you would like to pursue them for adoption… so I really would have liked to skip this step and jump right into the court meetings!  It’s procedure though, so we did it, had some authentic Russian lunch and drove over to the orphanage.  



Lunch with our coordinator!

Right as we first walked into the orphanage, one of the girls I met this summer on the tour was walking down the stairs, and I called out her name.  She is 15 now, which means that by May she will age out of the orphanage.  Because of that, she’s been on the hearts of many of us that met her, so it’s only fitting that I would run into her right from the start.  She turned around and came running down for a hug.  Off she went with a big smile. 

Next, we were told to wait at the top of the stairs while the adoption coordinator met with someone.  She said she would be with us in a few minutes. 

Just then, the huge door that leads to the children’s hall opened up and my beloved little girl snuck her head around.  Our eyes caught instantly, and at the exact same time, we each let out a shout of joy and ran to each other screaming and laughing.  Her arms wrapped so tightly around my neck that I couldn’t have escaped if I had to!  We just stayed in that embrace for a few seconds… and cried as seven months of waiting instantly disappeared. 

Our second hug after seven months apart!

She pulled us into the hallway, drug us around to meet all her friends and talked as fast as our poor translator could go.  We showered her with small gifts, mostly drawings and letters from her siblings and cousins and all her new friends at church that are waiting back home to meet her.  We got to see all the little places that are part of her normal day, and then… a special treat!  She yelled for her friends and pulled us into the dance studio.  She told us to sit, and suddenly, six little girls began dancing to “Once Upon a December.”  It was graceful and beautiful… and just for us!

 

The girls doing the dance in the orphanage dance studio.

As soon as the dance ended, we were pulled into the director’s office to open her file and hear all the details of her past.  In our time together, they teased me that I wouldn’t be allowed to adopt her because there wasn’t enough age difference.  Russian law states that there has to be at least a 16 year difference.  They claimed I was 26… and instead of adopting… I should BE adopted by the director!  Instead, we made an agreement that I can live in the orphanage for the next two months… wait a second… why am I coming home then???  Turn this plane around!

Once the official business was taken care of, we sat down on her bed and began to catch up on conversations that I’ve wanted to have for months!  I asked her if she thought of us at night, she eagerly said yes.  I asked if she looked through the pictures of our time together, and she does so much that she doesn’t have just one favorite… they are all her favorite.  She went on and on about her brother and sister that are waiting at home for her, she can't wait to stay up late and whisper secrets to her little sister, and she talked about Libby and Alex, who are going to lick her face all over... just to be clear… they are the dogs!  She remembers it all and misses it all! 

But the thing that this mama loved the most, was that she wanted to leave with us, "NOW!" At that very second, she was ready to gather up her things and be on her way… HOME.

Teach Me To Breathe Again

As we leave Saint Petersburg...

I close my eyes and instantly my body is pulled into a world that isn’t quite real, but at least I’m aware of it. Everything feels heavy, but at least in this world I can feel my mouth take in the air and swallow it down to my lungs. I tell my eyes to open, to be aware of the earth below me, to take in the beautiful European countryside, but there’s no reaction.  My body gives in to the darkness and my mind finds peace in the chance to relive a few moments of utopia. 

My body is shaken, and I know that I am supposed to wake up.  I resist it.  My eyes squeeze shut and try to find the music again.  It’s gone now. I open my eyes for just a second, and just as quickly as I allow myself back into the real world, my lungs close. There is no air.  There is no music.  I fight to control the crushing that is beginning to take away my breath.  I choke once and the tears fall from eyes in streams as steady as a spring river.  There is no chance of stopping it.  I grab for my pillow and hold it to my face as I stare out the window, crying endlessly.   

I can’t control this heartache; I must return to the music and allow my eyes to give in to the weight that pulls them closed.  At least here, I can breathe....